Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I am an emotional wreck.
I blame the kid.
Or my hormones.
Or my husband.
It's not not me though.< /div>
Z has been waking up at 5:15 every morning last week, then miracles of miracles, he woke up at 7:00 a.m. on Monday and I thought it was fixed. But then yesterday, 4:15 a.m. wake up.
So out of exhaustion and desperation, I tried to think what could be causing this. My first thought (and it's something thats been going on for months) is his naps. Z is a sleepy baby, he takes 2 naps a day still and they are often close to 2 hours each. Thats a LONG time. and I know it's more than normal so I was worried his naps were causing him to not sleep as well at night. This has been mentioned in the past to his dayhome but it didn't really go well. She believes in letting kids sleep when they need to sleep and all the kids (there is 3) sleep at the same time so it's been working really well. So when I suggested again that we look at cutting back his naps, she kinda just said no. Which REALLY upset me. I love working but I struggle with giving up the control in my kids life and I really don't want to. We both got a little defensive and although not a lot had been said (we were emailing) we were getting frustrated and I think reading into things so we decided to talk over coffee. I was really upset by this point, Kirby actually hadn't said a lot but I was just feeling like I was getting no say in my childs life and I was feeling like she felt she knew what was best for Z and didn't think I knew what I was talking about.
So I called Mike in tears and just got really emotional and upset. Which makes me sick usually. I only had an hour left in my day and I just left to go to talk to Kirby, I knew I wouldn't get any work done so I might as well leave and deal with this.
Thankfully, Kirby shares my beliefs and is willing to talk things out. We prayed and then had coffee and chatted. We both were taking offence at things that were not meant to be offensive so it was really good to talk. I think the biggest thing for me is that I'm struggling with not having that say in my childs life. I don't want to give up control and it's so hard for me to know that I don't necessarily have final say. Well I do, I can take Z out of the dayhome but I LOVE my dayhome. But I do have to work with her routine if I want him there. And I guess I'm just struggling with that. I want all the control and I can't it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
I was reading a blog entry today: http://omyfamilyblog.com/2011/11/thirteen-point-one/ by this woman who I really respect. She has 2 little kids (I think one is a little over two and the other is 6 months) and she is a SAHM who loves Jesus and has a gift for honest writing and just being open with the world about her struggles. She lives in the states but not in one of those warm climate states and she just ran a 1/2 marathon this weekend. And I can think is HOW? How did this woman find time to train for a 1/2 marathon? How did she get herself out several times a week for run for a couple hours? I'm amazing, completely jealous and just missing running. I love to run. I'm pretty slow and I start forgetting about my love for running around Mile 3 but thats okay. But I haven't ran in a week and that was my first time running in several weeks. It's freaking cold outside and I don't have a treadmill (although I don't think this mom does either from her posts) and I don't have time. I get home from work at around 5:00 p.m. (and it's basically cold and dark at that time), make dinner, get Z cleaned up and in bed and it's 7:30. The last thing I feel like doing is going outside and running. Especially now because it's pitch black outside. But even when it was beautiful out, I never did. And now that Winter is here - what am I going to do? Last year Z was little and able to sleep in the stroller but this year? No way. My kid HATES the stroller. He will last about 10 minutes, maybe 15 if we give him a snack. But he wants to move, he wants to be running or pushing the stroller not having to sit still. It's so frustrating. I just want to be able to get out and I don't feel like I can. But maybe thats on me. How often did I do it when I was able to? Yes, when Z was little we ran a lot. We did a 5K last Mothers Day but have barely ran since then. I was home until August and I could have at least gone out when Mike came home but I didn't...
I just feel inactive, unhealthy and lethargic. And I truly don't know what to do. I guess I have these video exercises and I could go out on the weekends but I don't. So maybe I need to stop complaining and just do it?
I miss my old life, when I could get home from work and go for a run and not worry about diapers and strollers and having dinner at a specific time. But then I think about it and I know I would never change it for anything. I would NEVER not want to have Z just for a little extra freedom. My old life was fine when I didn't know better but it's nothing compared to my new life.
Wow I feel like I went on a tanget with this entry. It started off with my amazement that Allison at @OmyFamilyblog.com found time to run a marathon to me missing my old life... but I guess thats why I write. So I can figure out what I'm feeling :)
Monday, November 7, 2011
Z got sick last week. Like really sick, not just me being an over-worried Mama.
I was chatting with my sis on the phone when I hear him start to cry (it's 9:30 at night). Now Z has been a phenomenal sleeper lately but that hasn't been without some work, including us having to let him fall back asleep on his own so I didn't immediately run into his room. But then he just sounded so upset and it really isn't normal for him to wake up crying anymore so I decided to go check on him. What I found broke my heart (and made me feel like an awful mama). My poor little baby had thrown up, all over himself, his blankie and his crib. and he just looked so confused & upset. I jumped into action, picked him up and immediately brought him into the bathroom and started the bath. Thankfully it wasn't 2 a.m. and we were still up and Mike got all his bedding into the washer and changed the sheets. But poor Z, he looked so lost in the bathtub. He wasn't even crying, he was just sitting there not moving and would occasionally touch his tummy. I know my throat always hurts when I'm sick so I gave him some water to drink and he just cuddled on my lap and right at the moment we were getting comfy, he threw up all over me. And the poor kid, he doesn't understand leaning forward so he was throwing up sitting straight and would just cry and cry and gag a bit and then be so confused when I would push him forward. It was awful. He threw up every 20 mins for the next 2 hours. We called Mike's mom (the time difference meant it wasn't late there at all) and asked what to do and then we called Health Link (can you tell this is the first time Z's been sick?). We were told to just give him some amounts of liquids and just help him lean forward when he was vomiting. But seriously, it was the worst night of my life. I felt so helpless & inadequate. I had no idea what to do. Z would be throwing up and I would just cry along with him not knowing what else to do.
But we survived. It was short lived thankfully. He finally went about 45 minutes without throwing up and he was dozing in my arms so I put him back in his crib and attempted to fall asleep. I had little success since every time I heard him cry, I would run into his room. It was a long night. I had texted my dayhome and emailed my work right after he threw up so I didn't have to wake up for work which was nice. He woke up at around 7:30, having gone to bed around midnight and then waking up several times in the night (but thankfully not throwing up). That day he slept from 9:00-12:30, then from 2:30-5:00 and back to bed at 7:30. My heart just broke for my poor tired sick baby. I couldn't get him to eat anything but I managed to get him to drink quite a bit so I felt somewhat comforted. But Z's never been sick before! He's never not ate (this is the kid who regularly outeats me). I was once again feeling helpless & anxious. I had a lot of time on my hands since he was sleeping so much that I just had to really pray and ask for strength and wisdom and guidance.
I really tend to try to do everything myself. I'm always willing to ask Mike for help and I will call complete strangers on Health Link but I don't call out to my Heavenly Father for wisdom. Why is that? Why do I struggle with really seeking God when I'm struggling? Why do I think He's going to judge me? Or think I'm a failure. He knows everything anyways, not asking doesn't mean I'm hiding my inadequacies. I don't have any answers to these questions but I know it's something I really want to work at. I want to have that relationship with God where He is the first person I call out to, not the last.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I didn't actually think I would enjoy Halloween as much as I did. I thought Z would look adorable in his costume and we'd go to our neighbours and he would get bored and we'd be done. But it ended up being such a fanastic night. Z, of course, looked adorable as a little pumpkin (is anyone surprised?) and he had so much fun. We took him out in our complex because then we could quit whenever he felt like he was done, plus I thought it would be fun to see our neighbours. Well Z did so good! The first house we went to he was a little uncertain. I knocked and he just stood there while the person gave him candy but then at the next house he tried to share his candy! So cute. Which of course made the person give him even more candy. Spoiled little kid. :) He figured out pretty quickly what he would need to do. He would pound his little hands on the door and wait patiently (not too patiently - if they didn't get to the door quickly he would just leave!) and hold his bucket up with a smile. He got SO much candy. He had the cute factor and the fact that no-one was out last night (which was crazy because it was gorgeous out - 8 degrees and clear skies!) so everyone just handed him 10 chocolate bars at each door. We actually had to empty his bucket into Mike's pockets in order to finish our complex. We hit every unit in our complex that had lights on, which was only about 20 out of 120, and Z was spoiled. He loved holding the bucket and loved being able to play with the smartie boxes :)
It was really one of those nights I will remember for a long time. It was the first really "parent-y" thing I feel like we've done. I mean we've done lots of parental things in the last 15 months but this was the first thing we've done for Z that I have clear memories of my parents doing for me. I'm not sure if that makes sense but this seemed like a big moment for us. Sometimes I don't really feel like a parent. I think it's because we are young and none of our friends have kids and Z often just kinda comes around with us. We don't do a lot of things just for him because well he's 1 and he doesn't really care what we do yet. But this was something that we obviously wouldn't do if he wasn't around and it was such a typical parent thing to do - dress your kid up and take him trick or treating. I don't know, I loved it. I felt like this was just a big moment in our lives. Maybe thats silly but I'm okay with that.